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[Feb. 11th, 2008|05:30 pm] |
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I am having a colossal sized panic attack because I didn't get the internship fr the rape crisis center that I wanted. It pisses me off because their reason was that there would not be enough time to get in the hours but they didnt mntion that when they interviewed me. I called back and said what kat recommended to which was to just mention how I was extremely interested in making the hours work and would do research and wrk on weekends. Shee said I could do an internship in the summer. I already tolsd my parents that I had the internship because I had to interview at so may places and this one seemed promising and they were getting on my ass about it. I had to pay 13 dollars for a background check and I had to pay 60 dollars for late registration fee because of this class. I will get that back . I am embarrased to say this but I actually called my dad and cried which I have never done before, but I feel like I won't be able to get a job anywhere without this. I am emailing a resume to this woman at the reading place/ I just want a fucking job. I have such low standards it scares me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2008|11:23 am] |
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my cell phone is not working again. anyways i am ranting because i need to. none of the internships sound good to me. i drove out to the middle of fuckign nowhere with directions like turn at the thrid bend and you will see a bright nlue flashing sign. i of course got lost because she made it into this big street where i would have to go and then it was this little street. that job would have been stuff that didnt require much interaction with people but also was more into social work kind of stuff. i am calling this one other place and then just taking something. i need to start getting hours in. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|12:03 am] |
I had yet another fight with my mother just now. we just can't seem to get along anymore. same old story as it always is. she has no confidence in me and puts her own insecurities on me because I am the only other girl in the family. she is a reverse sexist. i blame this for why she ended up in a bad marriage. yeah he is an asshole, but she should have known to get out earlier. she has such confidence whenever ben wants to do anything. this is all coming because my dad promised to get me a car forn next semester for my internship that i have been promised i would have for the third year in the row. i have to have it next semester becaus ei am graduating next semester. it is now or i am fuckked. i dont even know exactly what i want to do with my life. this would really really help me figure this out. fuck if she cares. she thinks i should wait for this summer so i can take an internship in florida. let me tell you something about my mother. whenever she wants something done it gets done whenver she procastinates or says thi shit it never fucking happens. i also dont want to spend my summer over there. i didnt want to come to school here. it was cheap. they didnt want me to take out loans. ben took out loans and went against their wishes. he is happy and thye got iver it. he has a while to pay it back. i had so much fun in auburn there was actually shit to do. can she really not see how unhappy i am? she thinks i am just having a bad day. thias is what i get fir lying to her all these years. i actually say how i feel about his stupid school and she doesn't believe me. i am just always supposed to be happy with my mother. i am not allowed to complain about my dad until she wants to and then it is ok. i am the child she calls for hours on end to complain about her life but am i the favoriote? no. ben is. ben also has a car. why does he have a car? because he took out loans and had them pay for a meal plan. i worked and paid for groceries and dorm room. i dont hate ben dont get me wrong. i am just taking notes. fuck my mom. i dont want to end up like her. and another thing. she really doesn't know me. i have learned how to do alot of shit over he past two months that i never knew ho to do before. i know how to cook numerous dishes that are pretty good, i can start a car if the battery dies. m i go to thanksgiving and she is like.. oh, does he know you can;t cook? i can cook. every time i try to cook with her she just takes over. i told her this one time and she just laughed and said she liked to do it all. alright then but dont tell me i didnt try to do anything. she thought i broke up with lev because i am too confrontational. she met him one time for fuckign 5 minutes. you know what lev said to me that caused this break up? you're pretty but is that enough? then he calls me the next day like nothing happened. i told him to suck it. i have been extremely confrontational with patrick over the summer w, with tahir weeks ago, with everyone that pisses me of.. when you say what you feel you feel better and people generally respect you more. you shoudlnt personally attack unless they do it to you first, but always stick up for yourself. on this level my mom embarrassed me growing up. i took things so personally. i am my dad;'s favorite child because i show the least interest in him. that is how he operates. he knows i wont talk to him ever if he pisses me off. she is so fucking passive. i would rather be single my whole life and live in a shit house then stay with some guy because i need his money. he knew he had the power in that relationship,. you can only play the victim card so much. she could have gottne another job years ago. none of us have been kids for awhile now. she has repeatedly told me i look heavy over the years " so i don't end up like her". no sorry i hurt you that was wrong . i can see how that messed with your head in high school. oh no. she thinks i am selfish and never needed medicine. she is homophobic. she voted for bush and thinks he is a good president. she hates hillary clinton for no reason. whenevr she thinks i am not listening it is not because i am ridiculous it is because i dont have a teachable spirit. i shouldnt cuss but if she as a bad day and wants to that ids fine. she expects me to have a kid. not as much pressure, on this for josh and ben. she tells me how ugly other women look. she makes me doubt my abilities. i am going backpackign with noah and then to ahmed's for christmas. this is the way it si going to be/ i never have fun seeing her anymore. she thought this girl who was adopted and cut herself was a reason to not adopt because those kids apaprently have more problems. she thought this girl who got therapy when i was in 5th grade was troubled. not in a symaptheic way. in a gossip kind of way. that is why i was ashamed to go to therapy because i knew how wshe fealt. then she would try to talk to the therapist about her problems in there. she always wanted me to say what we talked about in there, totally ignoring the patent confidentiality agreement. she thought it was ok for this pastor to tell this girl to get over her greif after being molested as akid because he apparently didnt dismiss the girl's feeling s but was telling her nicely wht she needed to hear to m,ve forward. perhaps i am hypersensitive to a degree. perhaps i am a little more observant than the majority of women nowadays. she critices my driving. she tells me every time wa girl gets pregnant how she will never het her body back but then i am supposed to want to have kids. i fucking need to get the hell out of dodge. where? i don't care anymore. not with my family. it is time to move on.
i apologize for how long this venting was. it was rather therapeutic and i still have alot more holed up in me but i will hold back. i feel better now. she never apologizes though . that is why i dont tell her the list of 43 things she said over theyears that i don't have closure about. it doesn't matter . there is no apology. that is why most of our phone calls end in me haning up on her. she can tell someone else her problems. she si the one who needs to move forward. dad has. why the hell would you marry someone where there is no passion? i want to feel- pain laughter, anything. i longed to be held as a kid from my dad and it didnt happen. that is why i was s awkward around men, but i am better now. i know how the dynamics work. what to accept, what not to. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|08:27 pm] |
This may go down as my favorite thanksgiving of all time. I didn't know if I wanted to go to Auburn to visit Ahmed but it ended uup being the right choice. We played tennis, soccer, ping pong, darts, scrabble, cooked thanksgiving for a bunch of people who never had thanksgiving. I don't like him enugh to be in a relationship with him but I really like hanging out with him. so, we decided to do that. watch him not call me anymore. i am trying to not to be negative. tomorrow I have to give another speech. for some strange reason I am not in the least bit nervous about it. I ave finally reached the point )atleast with public speaking) that I don't care what other people think about what I am saying.
I charged my phone and now it is saing charged, but it is not turning on. Definitetely don't have time this week to figure this out. My dad is trying to put one of his car insurance payments in my name so t is actually better that I have that reason and all the finals/semester wrap up stuff to do so I don't have to worry aboput it all
how was everyone's Thanksgivings? |
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[Oct. 9th, 2007|09:48 pm] |
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talked to ahmed which was fabulous. i wonder if i am too self absorbed to be in a relationship? I like the idea of connecting with someone else, but maybe it is more about projecting myself onto someone else and having them listen to me and then them doing the same. I don't know him. i mean not really |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|11:22 am] |
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I haven't written on this thing forever. i am going to attempt to slowly get back into it. I have a class at 12 so I will make this quick. I am fending off a guy called bubba who looks eearily like the exact guy in varsity Blues by the same name except that my good firtune has flaming orange hair. On a less scary note, i am talking to ahmed agin . hopefully that will go somewhere . I am scheduled to take my Gre soon and will hopefully be heading west . if it had to be in freaking kansas i don't care. i just don't want to be here anymore. My brother is supposedly set to go to the ar,y after he is done being molested at the old folks home. I am trying to talk to adam again , but his phone keeps dying. I am going to stay with ym dad over Thanksgiving. no set plans for christmas. have cooked a few new dishes which are quite tastey. Except for the coffee chicken which I got off the box of patmeal which was not the best. i am trying to soothe my palate more with things that don't call for microwaving. I ran into Tahir for the last time (hopefully). This time I actually screamed at him It caused a bit of a scene. haven't heard from ben . he has abandoned me. read all of Obama's books and highly recommend them. The good thing about the new phone is that it is a camera phone so immediately took imoure pictures. wish had a car so i could see serj tankian at the roxy soo. that would be awesome, but no can do. the minute I do get a car will truly be one of the happiest days of my life. some say it will be the birht of their child. not me- four wheels and a running engine will bring the biggest smile to my face. I don't remember what i ahven't said because it has been so long, but I am in the best headspace I have been in for a long time. So....... i will write more often. maybe not consistently, but definitely more often. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|10:50 am] |
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i am soooooooo embarrassed. my suitemate alwayss goes home during the weekends. ALWAYS. anyways, i was listening to liz phair on my headphones and i was twirling around my room out of boredom. it is not something i normally do, but i felt like it at teh moment. yeah. she walked in on my twirling and singing extravaganza. i took red dawn the xanex verion. i have never slept so well in my life. it makes you so calm. i liked the upper , but i like the downer better because i am such a nervous person that these help |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|09:21 am] |
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i need a list o0f ten songs that deal with the emotion of shame. i think for one i am going to do been a son by nirvana. i am sure fiona apple has something or ellito smith. halp me people , help me |
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| hello world |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|10:36 pm] |
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so........ i am borrowing one of kat's former flings. why? because it is fucked up and we can compare notes and it will be an interesting look to see if men really do act differently depending on who they are with. here is my prediction: his aggressive side will come out by being iwht me wheras with kat he is more shy. it is this idea that people have to feel a sort of balance while relating to others. this is why i get aggressive guys approach me. kat gets very innocent ones. we both envy each other's boytoys. so...... because i have always(and kat has agreed) thought they we should just start basically passing on each other's names that is what i am doing. the next time i get a black guy being completely direct, mildly insulting and completely using me I will remember my little katherine. it would be nice to see if they even tried to be mean. i am not intimidating. kat is. it is this power she has. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|12:02 pm] |
just took my sociology of emotions midterm /only exam woth 20% of our grade. for anyone who doesn't know this is my least favorite class. the teacher is a total uptight prick. i have done well on the 3 papers as of yet. i have one more paper. as long as i do well on that (by well i mean i need a 70 ) to keep a b. this is assuming i got at least a 50 on the exam. it was a list of 7 qs some worth 10 , some 5 . i chose 2 10. one i think i definitely got full pts. the other i knew everything about the people and related some emotion terms in there, but how said person exactly influenced other i am not sure . i drew my own conclusions based on what i wrote. so, as long as i got a 50 i should be good. i think(u never know he isa a hard ass and we did have ten chapters of about 45 pages each to read, plus 2 handouts. i am sure(pretty much positive) that i left out some "important" stuff. i think i got the jest. i am rambling. trying to pass time before soccer at 2. i really need to do laundry. later on garret and brian(work ) are comin over and helping me annihilate this coconut i bought. i love coconut, but destruction i am longing for. you can open a coconut 1 of 2 ways. u can smash it on thr ground and watch it explode into little pieces. also, u can take a screwdriver and stick it in eyes and drain juice, then put it in oven, then, wrap in towel and hit with a hammer. i don't even care if it tastes good. i just want a socially acceptable excuse to be violent:)
as kat mentioned i tried red dawn over the weekend. a little disappointed. but, it give me this great sex drive. tpoo bad noone was there. it makes ure head itch and u cant walk completely straight. some people get happy. i felt numb |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|09:21 am] |
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i have a smasking new haircut. just smashing |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|01:38 pm] |
Had an interesting and entertaining weekend. By entertaining I mean it was never boring. However, I would trade boredom for all the awkward moments there were. I was not going to make a post about this because I don't like to include other people in my problems. I like to try and work things out with a person before resorting to lj,but due to Stephen's immaturity lj will have to do.
First of all west ga is not the most exciting place in the world. One night I called Stephen randomly for who knows what reason. I thought he would be a veryeasy person to talk to about absolute bs. So, we talked over the next few days and then last weekend and the weekend before last we hung out. I offered to pay for his gas money, but he insisted it was no big deal, because his parents(Kat says this isn't true) have money and it was no loss to him. I thought he was coming down as a friend and we could just see a movie and stuff. had a good time , he was nice. At the movie theatre he kept looking at me really strangely,but I ignored it. It was obvious he was developing a crush on me. However, I have Lev interested and I am interested in Ahmed. Stephen(although a possible good friend material kind of guy) is not my type. That is not a bad thing. It is what it is. So it is time to go sleep and he is like "I am jealous of Lev". Again, I obviuosly know what he means , but I just ignore it and hope he just keeps it at the fact that Lev is a possible new bf. So, he keeps it at that for about 10 minutes and then he says that he wants to kiss me. So, I tell him that I think we make better friends. A nice, to the point of saying that I am not interested. I think Stephen is honestly just lonely (and I have stated this when this happened back in January or so)and would become interested in anyone that shows him the least bit of attention. Again, he should really work on this, because chances are that most of anyone's life they are not going to be mor ethan friends with the opposite sex. And why does it have to be anymore? It is nice if 2 people like each other and all, but there is nothing wrong with being friends. Whatever happened to that concept? Whatever. Anyways, the next day we walked around a little park and ate and then he went home. We talked on the phone the next week a little bit and I had a paper to do that I didn't really understand so I asked him if he could possibly(and again I insisted that I pay for his gas money)come down last weekdn and help me with it and hang out some. I forgot to mention that we saw that movie at a mall where while killing time before the movie I went to get some new fall clthes because I don't really have any.While in there Stephen bought me like a $25 necklace that is really pretty. I appreciated it , but I didn't ask him for it. Again , this was sweet , but I was kind of worried he would be one of those guys that thought if he paiys for everything he could try stuff. I have hung out with guys like this before. I told him it was too much and that I already bought a different necklace, but he insisted. I didn't want to take it back and hurt his feelings so I kept it. Aside from what I thoguth was a spur of the moment wish from Stephen to kiss me, the weekend was good. Fastforward to last weekend. So, Ahmed visited me and I don't know exactly what we did , but it was nice. We are both extremly shy and he hates large crowds too. Stephen came about 12 on sat. I needed to write my paper, but I didn't want him to feel like I was just using him. My mom had called earlier and told me about a fair in Perry, Ga. Ahmed didn't want to go. So, because he wasn't coming up with anything to do I suggested to Stephen that we go to Perry and check it out. It turned out that because we left later it wouldn't have probably been open by the time we got there. We saw a sign for Augusta . I have always been interested in seing Augusta and possibly going to school there. I asked Stephen if he would rive there since we were already on the road. I honestly figured it was about an hour away from wherever we saw the sign. Usually if u see a sign the destination is not far from where you see the sign. I was dead wrong on that. I am not sure exactly how many hours it took to get there but it was a few. Now, in Stephen's behalf,(the only thing in Stephen's behalf) he did say he didn't knwo if he wanted to drive that far. I was really bored and he struck me as go with the flow so I insisted to the point where if he had said no he probably would have felt likt he had ruined my day. We go to Augusta. It is a really pretty town that is just big enough , but with a country feel. It is bigger than carrollton, but without all of Athens commercial trendiness. It was beautiful. Get back to West Ga. We watched a movie and drove around in some country town near Carrollton that I have never heard of. We got lost , but it was kind of fun. We try to write my paper and it is harder than I even thought it would be. It is not a hard concept , but the articles just kept saying the same things over and over so making 6 pages from shit is a challenge. We get most of it done. At some point we took a break listen to Courtney Love like 500 million times.
If you made this far then you would think Stephen is a really nice person: helping me on a paper, driving me around , paying for food. You would be right. I had a nice time. There was one awkward moment that I felt(Until this past Sunday) was just a misunderstanding on his part that was cleared up. Here is wher things started getting strange. So I don't start rambling , as I have a tendency to do when I am angry, I will state all of the things I am upset about and why that is.
1.) Sunday night I am lying in my bed sleeping. I feel a prescence over me and I can't tell if I am dreaming or not , but then I feel these hands on my shoulders and across my back. I was half asleep so this scared the fucking shit out of me. It was Stephen , obviously, and as he did this he said " Good night buddy". What the fuck? First of all, when a person is asleep it is not a smart idea to startle them like that. Second of all, who does that other than pedophiles and guys trying to get in your pants. (not the goodnight buddy part, that was just wierd and fucking hillariously lame ). So I ask him: "What are you doing?" (in a tone where he gets the message that this is an unwanted advance.)He just apologized and went back to his sleeping bag. I don't feel bad for saying it because he shouldn't have done it. I did feel (at the time , not anymore) a little bad for how scared he reacted. I couyldn't say it was alright , becaus eit wasn't. There is a thing called personal space and it was violated. Plus, and it is hard to out this in words, when he did this it was Sopoooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking obvious he did not get the picture that I so clearly painted last week as to us just being friends.
2.) This second thing really creeped me out. It is Monday morning now. He helped me with an online test and then we typed up the paper(most of it anywyas). I am feeling extremely awkward from the night before , but I am hoping that now he really gets it. We are/were(depends on how he goes about making major adjustments in his personality)just friends.
To no avail. He tells me to check my email to see if I got my paper. I did, and I got a facebook notice saying that Stephen has said that we are in a relationship now. Again: what the fuck? Where was I? Did me not wanting to kiss you and reacting so frightened when you did whatever the hell that was over my bed on Sunday not give away the fact that I don't think of you that way? It should have. I reject the invitation. He doesn't even ask if I saw it and he never actually asked me out. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooo starnge.
3.) He calls twice on Monday and he resend sthe inviattion for a relationship confirmation. Again, I reject this. The first one was not a fluke that mysteriously disappeared it was a big fat rejection that you definitely deserved.
4.)He goes on Lj and downplays everything saying he only cares about friends(lumps me into this category) while still calling and trying to hook up with me. He does this so he can look like he is in control to everyone else and hopes that I won't reveal the real story.
5.)Today on Lj he says he doesn't regret anything he did. That justproves you are a liar and noone should ever take your word to meana damn thing. Because, after every time where I set him in his place ha apologized. Obviously these weren't meant. It was an attempt to not be yelled at because he would lose that battle.
6.) I talked to Kat today and she informed that while she was trying to clear tha air with Stephen for me and get a inside look into what the hell he was thinking, he said something very interesting.
" Sarah should have known why I drove up there and paid for everything. Of course I was going to try things." Basically what that translates to is that Stephen apparently feels that if a guy pays for stuff then he has free control over a girl. She should just go along with whatever he wants.It is always teh guys that act like they understand women more than men that are the biggest coniving weasels of all. always. Well Stephen, go get yourself a prostitute. Even she may not take you.
As Kat already told you I have lost reapect for you. I have no interest in speaking with you. Just accept what you did and realize you fucked up yer again with a girl.
Stephen : Go suck a fuck |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|10:54 am] |
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stevn is coming this weekend supposedly. i have a paper to work on. maybe we can go to sweetwater. afraid lev is blowing me off again. just took the hardest test yesterday. if i passed i will be surprised. so busy with work and all. little rieley escaped. she hasn't been home for a week and a half so far. somebody probab;y took her and is giving her a new home. she is a purebred dog that loves people so i am sure she is fine. ben is pisse dta my mom. compltely blaming her. he is supposedly coming home this weeknd to look for her. this means he won';t be home on my b day weekend. speaking of that bday is on 11th and i have the 9th and 10th off for school. thta is pretty awesome. gotta go to class now talk later |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|10:47 am] |
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good news!!!!! i bought a scale. 135. that is 2 pounds down since 4 weeks ago. that isn't much., but i am happy. would like to lose 5 more |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|10:47 pm] |
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apparently stephen decided to not show up: he didn't call to tell me he wasn't coming. I waited for half an hour around 5:30 like we had talked about to go see this band that i introduced to him and nothing. i have not checked lj excpet to update a couple of days ago quickly before class. had i read his lj i guess i would have seen his little "heartfelt" apology(attempt at being center of attention for being "used" by me) such bs. i love how he invited me to go and i offered to pay for gas and we had everything planned out and 1.) no decent phone call 2. no actual explanation 3. apparently i was just someone he was using to go to a concert bc he had noone else to take and then he switches his story to make it sound like he was going to be paying for everything(i heard he is horrible with directions, probably wouldn't be able to find it if he tried). i felt sorry for him bc i felt like girls seem to be mean to him but apparently they are all justified bc stephen is a coward(not calling and making me wait), and saying he would only do this if i were jason or a gf or some sort of close friend (well again U INVITED ME). i like augustana but it wasn't like they were pearl jam so i am not mad about that. but this whole poor innocent stephen act is a crock of shit |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|08:44 pm] |
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had a fulfilling weekend. probably will be getting that domino's job. lots of chaos lately. did really well on fiirst paper, 100!!!!! looking forward to concert tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|02:28 pm] |
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i am not into people. 90 percent of all people are faking it |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|08:24 pm] |
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do u know where i can purchase a seahorse? i miss raegan sooooooooooo much and i hate fish, but i have always liked the seahorse. she cannot be found among the other fishies at wally wall so............anyone? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
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i start school on august 14th. which made me look up who my new suitemate will be. her name is anna-maria hohol. since i can't access facebook on this computer can somebody look her up and tell me basically in your opinion if u think i will like/hate her? just tell me if she looks like a religious nutcase and has quotes about jesus, or if she is really into rap music. if she isnt either of those i dont think i will have too much truble getting along with her. it is nice to not have a roommate next year. all 3 years i have had a dreaded roomie and though amanda was nice , she was the one exception. i figure this way if i hate her all we are sharing is a kitchen and we can just learn basic times of when to leave the building and stuff like that. i am hoping she isnt a partier but isnt uptight.PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT SHE SEEMS LIKE |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|11:54 am] |
my mom told me today that i look pudgey. do i? be honest. i mean i know i could lose 10 pounds but i was sitting down (which of course u look heavier when u are sitting down)and she was like "sarah, u should wear different jeans because u have a bulge" this is the latest of many body issues my mom has given to me. i mean if she was going to say that could she not be more sensitive and be like "would u like to get new jeans?" and i was sitting here at the computer where of course i was slouching which makes it look worse than it is and she is like"well maybe u just don't notice it" i love how people tell u these things as if it isnt going to make u feel like shit.oh no, why would it? basically u told me i was over the acceptable pudge look. and who is she to talk? she is way fatter than i am. and i think about how i want to lose weight all the time, its not as if i am sitting here stuffing my face never getting out. and i have never told her she looked heavy. ever. because that is one of the meanest things u can say to a person. if a person is like 300 pounds u get to thinking i wonder if they excercise at all? i weigh 137. i started college weighing 135, went up to 140 after first year, went down to 131 after first year summer,gained some during second school year to 136, gained alot during second summer after workign in an ice cream store(theywere never busy and i was scheduled to be the only one in the building for 3 hours, u do the setup, call some friends, noone really answes and u eat out of boredom, i didnt even want it ) i think after second i was upt to 145 and then by dec went to 141 and then by june 137. i would like to lose like 8 pounds but she wont let me take the car to the chatahoochee where i can walk with noone seeing me. it is not relaxing or motivating to walk in this neighborhood with alot of people who are super skinny housewives whose husbands probably pay for plastic surgery . it is too competitive and i think i look stupid when im excercising so i really like to be in private.
i dont know if i am going to have enough money for school next semester. my dad is worrying me because he had a meeting with the irs last week to have all taxes paid and he didnt have them done so he got an extension until this friday and he has been over here doing yard work every day so i dont think he has done them yet. u dont want to fuck with the irs. he is crazy. i really think he is in denial of how serious this is goignto be because he keeps spending money on like &75 dinners for himself but then he wont make house repairs and he cant afford this house and it is going to be hard to sell with howmany repairs need to be done.
i wish people lived closer. |
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katsbitch's journal